I Wish You All the Best Read online

  I walk back to my room to make sure I have my wallet and my phone. By the time I make it out the front door, Nathan is already waiting for me in the driveway, right there in his shiny car.

  “Damn, boy.” He rolls down the driver-side window.

  I want to shrink. “Do I look okay?”

  “Yeah! Kind of hot if I’m not lying. Girls will be all over you tonight.” He winks at me, and I resist the part of my brain telling me to run back inside and shut myself in my room for the rest of the night. “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yeah.” I climb into the passenger seat and try not to imagine the worst.

  Nathan drives the car down this really long dirt path, hitting nearly every pothole along the way. “You know you’re supposed to avoid those, right?” I ask after he hits another one. We’ve been driving for so long that I think we’re both convinced Sophie texted Nathan the wrong address.

  “You didn’t see any turns or anything, did you?” Nathan asks, ignoring my commentary.

  “I don’t remember one,” I say.

  Nathan pulls out his phone just before I see some lights in the distance. “I’m gonna call Mel.”

  “Wait. Maybe there?”

  “Worth a shot.” Nathan keeps driving. The path curves before finally opening up. The yard is already filled with cars, lights glowing through the windows of the first floor of the house.

  “This looks like the place where a group of teenagers gets murdered,” I say, eyeing it through the windshield. Nathan snorts as he pulls into the end of a long row of cars. “Half an hour?” I look at him.

  Even from here I can see the crowds gathering on the front porch. People already look drunk off their asses, and it’s barely eight thirty.

  “Half an hour.” Nathan glances at the clock on the dashboard. “Nine o’clock, and if you’re having a bad time, we can leave.”

  “Okay.” I nod.

  And he grins from ear to ear.

  “Nathan!” Meleika shouts from across the yard. She sprints toward us, something vaguely bottle-shaped tucked under her arms. “Y’all made it.”

  “Yes, my dear.” Nathan chuckles. “We were worried too. Thought maybe we missed a turn or something.”

  “Yeah, this place screams murder house,” she replies.

  “That’s what Ben said.” Nathan looks at me over his shoulder, still smiling.

  I follow them both closely, climbing the front steps of the house with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, which isn’t saying a lot. I can already feel my stomach twisting with the beat of the bass, the floors vibrating so hard I’m shocked the pictures on the walls aren’t falling off.

  If the porch outside is crowded, then the inside of the house is most definitely filled to capacity. Seriously, I don’t think any fire marshal would let this go, even if you paid them. “Do you know if Sophie’s here?” Nathan asks, his voice barely registering over the music.

  Meleika has to shout. “Should be!”

  “Nathan! Mel!” Some humungous white dude waves, pushing through the crowd as he makes a beeline for us.

  “God. Todd’s already wasted.” Meleika turns to me. And then I realize I do know Todd. Well, vaguely, anyway. He’s in my English class, but I pretty much only ever see the back of his head. “I’m going to go find Sophie, good luck.”

  “Wait, don’t leave.” I try to catch her, but Meleika’s already gone.

  “Hey, Todd.” Nathan steps in front of me, probably to hide Meleika running away.

  “Hey, Nate.” Todd glares right at me. “And who is this?” Either he doesn’t pay attention during roll call, or he really is drunk off his ass.

  “Ben,” Nathan answers for me.

  “Hey, wait! I know this guy! We’re in Mrs. Williams’s class together.” He gives me his fist. I guess to bump it, but I just stand there, awkwardly, because my hands refuse to budge. And all I say is “Yeah.”

  “You drinkin’ tonight?” he asks Nathan, unbothered by my rejection.

  “Nah, driving.”

  “What about you?” Todd looks down at me. Jesus. I never realized what a giant this guy is.

  “Oh, I don’t—” I start to say, but it’s useless. Todd can’t hear me over the music.

  “Hey, Megs!” He waves over to the table in the dining room and points to me. A girl, apparently Megs, hands me a red cup filled with something that looks like pee. “We’ve got the stronger stuff in the kitchen.” Todd smacks my back, nearly making me drop the whole thing.

  “So, you’re drinking?” Nathan asks.

  “I guess?” I stare at my cup, filled with the very pee-like liquid. I shouldn’t drink it, I know that I shouldn’t. I don’t want to in the first place, and all the warnings about my medication. But Todd’s staring at me, and there’s this desire bubbling inside me, almost like I need to impress him. And then I see Nathan, and I don’t want him to think I can’t handle this stuff.

  I sip whatever is in my cup, and it takes everything in me not to spit it out. “Blegh, what is that?”

  “No good?” Nathan tries, and fails, to hide his laughter.

  “No!” I shout.

  Nathan’s still trying his best not to giggle. “It’s beer. Try it again, first sip’s always terrible.”

  I take another, but it’s still just as bad.

  “Maybe you’re not a beer man!” Todd bellows and takes my cup, leaving it on some table. “You want to get drunk?”

  “Not really.”

  “Come on.” Guess he still can’t hear me, or is just choosing not to. Either way his grip on my shoulder is way too tight. Todd leads me around the house, weaving through the tight crowds until we finally find what he’s looking for.

  The kitchen is less crowded than the rest of the party, maybe since the music isn’t as loud. There’s a couple making out in the corner, though with the way they’re all over each other, it seems like they’re more into voyeurism than anything else. Everyone else is huddled around the island counter, chatting back and forth. I recognize Stephanie, and a few people from the cafeteria and Calculus, but that’s it.

  “Everyone, this is Ben!” Todd announces us, and they all cheer for me, raising their cups. Or in a few cases, bottles. But the second they’re done cheering, they go back to their conversations, like I wasn’t even here to begin with.

  “Be gentle,” Nathan says. There’s something off about his expression, like he’s worried.

  “Ah, party virgin, eh?” Todd asks.

  “I guess.” He says “virgin” like it’s a bad thing.

  Todd leads me over to the area of the counter covered in at least three dozen different bottles, all of them left open. What sort of animals are my classmates?

  “Well, can’t have that, we need to break you in. What’s your poison?” he asks.

  Break me in? “I’m fine, I promise. I don’t—”

  Todd doesn’t let me finish though. “Come on, I can tell you’re a man of more refined taste. Here, try this.” Todd hands me a small shot glass with a pink liquid that’s a few shades away from Pepto.

  “What is it?” I ask, swirling it around in the small glass.

  “Strawberry tequila,” Todd says.

  Someone from the counter crowd shouts, “Todd, I think that might be a bit too strong!”

  “Just try it.” Todd smacks my back again. He really needs to find other ways of displaying affection. “Here, I’ll do one with you.” Todd pours his own shot.

  All my research told me that mixing one beer with a low dosage of my meds wouldn’t be a big deal, but I know for a fact tequila is stronger than beer. A lot stronger. But everyone’s staring at me now, expecting me to take the shot. I don’t need to do this, why should I care what these people think about me? But there’s that shame again, this desire to impress these people. I down the shot and holy shit, it burns, and whatever sweet taste is implied by “strawberry” definitely isn’t there. But it makes Todd and the rest of the crowd cheer, so I guess I did something right?


  “You want another?” Todd asks, already holding two more.

  “I don’t think so.” But another one is already in my hand.

  “Come on, one more.” Todd slips his arm around my shoulder, and I don’t ever think I’ve been more uncomfortable with someone my own age so quickly.

  “Seriously, I’m good.” I guess that’s enough for Todd to drop the subject. Or maybe he just forgets.

  “I like this one, Nathan. He’s good people.” Todd gets in close, and I swear I could get drunk off his breath alone. Jesus, the dude needs a mint, like, yesterday.

  “Thank you?” I half say, half ask.

  Nathan jumps up on a clear spot of the counter. “You okay?”

  “I guess?”

  My head already feels fuzzy, and there’s this weird warmth in my stomach. Just after one shot? Do people really pay to feel this way?

  “So, Benny boy, you having a good time?” Todd’s grip around my neck tightens, his words slurring. He doesn’t wait for my answer before he’s yelling to everyone else. “This here is Benny’s first party, everyone!”

  There are a few fake cheers, actually they sound more like pity cheers.

  “You look like you’re having a good time.” Todd looks back at me. “But I don’t think you’ve ever looked this good,” Todd belts out again, and I get another face full of liquor breath. “Got to show off the goods for the ladies, right? I know the feeling.” Then he slaps my ass. I need to get out of here. Has it been a half hour yet?

  “Sorry, he’s wasted,” Stephanie apologizes for him. She sounds nicer when she isn’t screeching at me through a megaphone.

  “You know it!” Todd shouts at no one in particular.

  “I feel like I haven’t seen you around school, Ben,” this one guy says. He must be one of Todd’s friends. They have the same look, tall guys with short brown hair and weirdly strong jaws. He also might be the least drunk of the group. Not counting me and Nathan.

  “I moved here back in January,” I say.

  “Yeah … you’re in my Calc class,” a girl says, and she seems vaguely familiar, but I have no idea if we are actually in the same class or not. “He’s really smart.”

  “Oh, thanks.” My face is getting hotter.

  “Seriously, I think he’s got the highest grade in the class,” she adds.

  “Oh, geez, Em.” Todd starts to laugh. “Go ahead and blow him already, we’ll give you two some privacy.”

  “While we’re at it, we’ll give you and your left hand some alone time too.” Em rolls her eyes, and the room fills with “oooos.” Todd seems unbothered though. He just plucks another drink off the counter and wraps his arm around my shoulder.

  “Come on, Benny boy here’s very attractive.” Todd winks at me and then looks at Em. “And you’re newly single.”

  “Hey, um …” I tap on Todd’s bicep, hoping he’ll let go. But I’m pretty sure his grip only tightens. “Todd, I can’t—”

  Breathe. I can’t breathe.

  “Leave him alone, Todd,” someone says.

  “Oh, please. Ben, wouldn’t you love to take the lovely Emily Rodgers on a date next weekend?”

  “I …” I stammer. “Can’t …” It actually feels impossible to breathe. And I don’t know if it’s because of Todd’s grip, his words, the pairs of eyes staring at me now, the alcohol, or some combination of them all.

  “Please don’t tell me you’re into the fellas, Ben. I like you and all, and I’m cool with the homos, but I don’t think—”

  I need to leave, right now.

  “Hey, Ben, you want to go dance?” Nathan leaps off the counter, and before I can answer, his arm is around mine. I don’t care, because this finally gets Todd off me. Nathan pulls me in close, leading me out of the kitchen and back down the hallway.

  “Nathan, wait.” But he keeps dragging me along. “Nathan.” I yank back but he still won’t let go. “Stop!” God, he’s got a strong grip. At least we’ve stopped moving. “I don’t want to dance,” I finally say, worried he won’t hear me.

  “Oh.” He grins. “I wasn’t serious. You just looked like you wanted to leave back there.”

  I slouch against the wall. “Oh. Well, thank you.”

  “Sorry. If I’d known Todd was that wasted, I wouldn’t have let him drag you along. When he’s drunk his boundaries totally disappear.”

  “Yeah, I can tell,” I say, rubbing at my neck. I’m sure the skin there is red by now.

  “Do you want to go?”

  “Has it been half an hour?”

  Nathan pulls out his phone. “You know you don’t really have to stay, right? We’ve still got ten more minutes, but we can leave if you want to. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  “Can we just find Sophie or Mel?” I rub my elbows. Most people have migrated into the living room, where the music is the loudest, but the hallway and dining room are still pretty crowded too.

  “Yeah, sure.” Nathan glances around. “They’re probably dancing.” He takes my hand. If I let go, then chances are high I’ll get lost in this place.

  We push through the crowds in the living room. Apparently, this is the designated dance area. But neither Meleika nor Sophie seem to be here. Nathan’s right though, there is something about watching other white people who think what they’re doing can legally be called dancing.

  After that, we head toward the dining room, and still nothing, but then I spot them hanging around the stairs. Meleika’s right above Sophie, both draped over the railing, both looking bored out of their minds.

  “You two look like you’ve had a rough night.” Sophie leans forward, resting her head on her arms.

  “And it’s not even nine.” Meleika chuckles, taking a sip of her drink. “Lightweights.”

  “We had a run-in with Todd,” Nathan says, before shooting a look at Meleika. “Would’ve been shorter if someone hadn’t left us there.”

  Meleika laughs again, and then asks me: “Douche of the year or douche of the year?”

  I try to laugh, but that sour taste in my mouth has moved to my stomach. There’s something about the crowd that’s putting me on edge, the way everyone’s pressed together. And is it getting hotter in here?

  I glance over at Nathan, watching him watch the dancing, his head bobbing along to the beat. He says something to Sophie, but the music drowns it out. Everyone’s having so much fun, and he looks like he’s missing it, like he’d rather be out there dancing with someone, actually having a good time.

  And I’ve ruined it all.

  “I just, um … I’m going to wait by the car. You go have fun,” I tell him.

  “Ben. You okay?” Meleika asks. She and Sophie are watching me carefully.

  “It’s fine. I just … I shouldn’t have come, I’m sorry. I’ll just be outside, Nathan, whenever you’re ready.” I finally catch Nathan’s attention.

  “Ben!” I can see the annoyance in his face, that slight push of his lips. I shouldn’t have come here. He just wanted to have a good time with his friends and I’m going to make him leave early.

  “Sorry, sorry.” I push through the dancing and the tight crowds, muttering apologies as I go along. I hope I can find my way back outside.

  “Ben, wait.” Nathan grabs my hand again, but I pull it back.

  “Listen, go have a good time, okay? I’ll just wait by the car.”

  “Ben!” he says again, more desperate than I’ve ever heard him sound. I charge back down the hallway, pushing past the crowds.

  “Hey!” someone yells.

  “Sorry, sorry,” I say, trying to get to the door. God, it’s fucking burning up in here. The hallways feel like they’re closing in on me. I just need to get outside. Just get outside, and it will all be fine.

  “Ben!” Nathan shouts, sounding miles away this time.

  My hands finally find a door handle and I push through, almost collapsing into the cool night air. I catch myself against the railing; more people stare at me as I pass by them. I
still can’t tell if I’m at the front of the house, or at the back, but I don’t care.

  I’m not inside anymore; that’s what’s important.

  “You gonna be sick, man?” someone asks me. “If you’ve gotta barf, at least do it in the bushes.”

  “I’m not a man,” I whisper under my breath, rounding the corner. This side of the porch is deserted, thankfully. I retch, hanging myself over the railing. There’s nothing in my stomach but that disgusting tequila, but it threatens to come up anyway. It wasn’t even that much, was it? But that’s not it.

  No, this feels like something else, like that night I saw their car. Fuck.

  Not now.

  Dr. Taylor confirmed it was a panic attack and tried to teach me ways of coping. Get to a quiet spot if I can, close my eyes, try to breathe. I try my best to remember Dr. Taylor’s advice, but everything’s so crowded and foggy.

  Just breathe.

  “Just breathe,” I say out loud. “Breathe.” I take in the night air through my nose and hold it for ten seconds before exhaling through my mouth. “Come on, Ben, don’t freak out, please. Not now,” I tell myself.

  “Ben, are you okay?” It’s Nathan.

  “Just, please.” I don’t even know what I’m trying to ask him. I run a hand through my hair, my palms sweaty. Christ, I probably look like death.

  “Ben?” He puts his hand to my back, and I swear, I almost get sick right there.

  “Please don’t touch me right now, okay?” It comes out like more of a growl than I want it to.

  Nathan pulls his hand back, going to the empty spot on the railing beside me. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I just …” Just can’t get a complete thought from my brain to my mouth.

  “Was it the stuff you drank? Do you need some water?”

  I shake my head way too fast. “Wasn’t the drinks.” My chest heaves for a second. I’m fighting a losing battle here.

  “Are you sure? Can you move?”

  “Just give me a minute, please?”

  “Sure, yeah.” He backs away.

  Fucking breathe, just breathe. I close my eyes, pressing my hands to my forehead. Don’t cry, don’t cry. I feel that familiar heat behind my eyes, and that ache in my jaw.